Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
crazy
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.