[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
OH. COME. ON.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night