Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
*launders Kohls cash*
“We will wed,” I threatened
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.