Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.