Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
A little too much information.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I have never related to a cat more
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes