Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
dream blunt rotation
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.