Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments