*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
You Might Also Like
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Happy Thanksgiving
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*