MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Bro what is this
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!