put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
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My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Born to be mild.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
(Jupiter –
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I ate everything, including the H.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”