FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
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We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
some things should go without saying
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07