Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
🖤✌🏽
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.