I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
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One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Why soy sad?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.