if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
went fishing caught a bass
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
When news reporters do sports stories
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Worst bar ever.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates