Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too