me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
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cry laughing at this shit
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.