ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”