Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
R.I.P.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
She was REALLY feeling it.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.