dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.