dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
LOL!
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Children of the corn 🌽
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes