dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m: [sweating profusely]
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I like long walks away from everyone
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,
you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.