Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The real reason evolution started..😂
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.