I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
This makes total sense…
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.