excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
this came to me in a vision
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
🤣
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”