[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE