Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.