My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
😂😂😂
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me buying fruit and veg
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water