cushion on the right slightly discoloured
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Ferrari squats
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times