@Hobo_Splendido I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
@BangsBotox That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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@Hobo_Splendido 
@fightforfood [dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
@bazecraze “Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
@Cheeseboy22 Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
@Donna_McCoy I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
@torrami All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
@dafloydsta [at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
@pixelatedboat Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
@Compocolypse If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
@_doorbeing Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.