@BangsBotox

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

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@Hobo_Splendido

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

@fightforfood

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

@bazecraze

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

@Donna_McCoy

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

@torrami

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

@dafloydsta

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

@Compocolypse

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers