That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”


[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain


“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”


Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”


I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.


All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.


[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.


If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers