That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
dads on road-trips be like
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old