Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
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Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*