A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.