Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot