Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
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Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.