I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
this is so top tier i cant
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*