ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
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Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side