I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.