[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
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Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.