mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me :
All Day At Night
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
fair
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh