No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
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We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison