I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
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#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
True statement👍😏😁
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.