Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
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this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*