Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Taliband
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence