And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
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I would guard your potatoes so hard.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.