Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.