did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
We avoided this particular disaster
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
OKAY DAD
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!