Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
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Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.