Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes