My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller