I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
You Might Also Like
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?