My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.