Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
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Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching