“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.