Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
This could be us… but you playing
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends